(Thursday, May 20, 2010-)
+6:55:00 PM]*

# i do...-

I know there is nothing i can do right now.

and...i am aware of how annoying and detestable i can be...

prayed really hard for a miracle...

and then decided that, the things you said about me...were right


right now, i am willing to bear any cost it takes for me, just to see you happy everyday...
even if it means losing you...

and i am going to lose you very soon....

the story ends like this;
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(Monday, May 17, 2010-)
+11:10:00 PM]*

# i hate you-

160510
Everyday, i woke up with my eyes closed. For fear to see your absent calls and messages. And that’s, already a bad start. I do not know how I could take my mind off the very fact that you could neglect me so much without feeling guilty. Or was it because, I have not earn that centre spot in your heart?

Every day I thought to myself, whether you would surprise me by coming over to my place and tap my window. Not to tell me that you are here to accompany me but to show that you had missed me.

People tell me that couples should not be seeing each other that often as it drains away the couple’s sparks and passion. I was scared for a moment that It might happen to us, but later on, I realise that even I f i want to avoid it…I never have to…because I never did get that chance to drain away whatever we have within us.

Between the both of us, we both know that there is a thin wall build in between us. And that is, communication. I had once naively thought that as long as we still love each other, no other problems can ever separate us. And this temporary bridge I build for us, have started to collapse. And I, were on it, still trying to hold on to your hands as long as I could last. I cried to you, but you never once notice that I am in danger. You never once looked at me nor hear my cries but I am still willing to wait, for I know that you would turn away from them and reached out for me.

A year had passed, and my hands are aching already. I thought of a few excuses to comfort myself by thinking that you might have been too tired to notice anything. You might have been too busy with your things that it allowed you to missed my cries I sent out. And, I thought to myself that, you might not have received any of them at all.

Despite all the discouragements I received, I know I should trust you…and followed you. and that is what I did…though ironically, I kept doubting you. and at the same time, I received yet another blow that could have discouraged me…you said that there is no way you could have understand me any longer. You told me you had a hard time talking to me. This very sentence then question me again, why do I still want to hold on to this relationship when it has been so clear that there is no hope anymore?

People can always ask me what do I like about you? and I know, you too do not have any answer to that.

I am always aware of how many friends I have. but instead of comforting me, you told me that I was just being anti social…..

I just want to be comfortable around you. I just want to be cared with or without you by my side. And I just wanted to be safe in your arms when nothing ever goes right.

If It would to mean losing you once more to gain all of your love again…I would do it. but I know, once I let you go, you will never come back anymore.

And now, I just want to sleep…and never get to open my eyes filled with tears…I just want to leave this painful world quietly and never cry again. can i?






170510

waited for your message but it never came. we had once again got seperated. But you wasnt affected by it.

called you in the morning. but you threw me an irritated tone at me and told me you are tired and wanted to sleep. why? why are you so heartless?

i cried till my eyes were swollen and puffy. but i all i had in mind was why do i get to be treated in this manner by you?? of all people but you?

you said you would come down and we'll talk. but it seems more to be eating. you did not bother to mention anything about the break up. what makes me cry even more was when you did not bother to ask for the reasons why i wanted a break up..

i told myself since you do not care a thing, then i just let you be. but i really could not do it. why am i so cheap? why did i lower my standard and ruin my own reputation? i was aware of how little he value me. i really am aware of it. but what can i do? i really hated his heart.

its 22:57... but i had not receive any replies from him. am i that worthless in his heart? why? why am i always the one waiting for his reply while he is out enjoying himself.

23:08
you called. but when i asked about us, you got irritated. you like being friends with me for now. im jsut a toy for you

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

(Monday, May 10, 2010-)
+11:48:00 PM]*

# my smile has been foind i guess...-

Today was quite an interesting day…we were maligned of not doing our work during the meetings and yet, we enjoyed ourselves throughout the day =)

Today he called me “my baby”…i was overjoyed and my whole mood was lifted that very moment. Maybe it is just THE TWO WORDS, but it is not just any two words but dee two words. .

He then called late in the evening and was overjoyed to hear his voice despite the disappointment he gave which I do not wish to talk about.

He told me he would bring me shopping on Wednesday to buy that bag I wanted so much. However, he did not believe that I would resist his offer and was laughing away when I told him to spent it on himself. Well, it does hurt to know that he had doubted my sincerity but maybe time would prove what kind of a person I really am.

Wanting to look smart and good was what you long and hope for…
Wanting to have things which normal people possess was hidden in the corner of your heart and i do know..it hurts you a lot...

I could still remember the expression you had in your chubby face when we were choosing your clothes at the bugis…you couldn’t stop mumbling to yourself as you flip the clothes that were hung onto the cloth rack. If you were to ask me again what I really wanted, I would say that your genuine smile is all I really want. Having to see you smile happily was seldom and the last time I got to see you smile so happily was when we were out at the esplanade…

You, once again gave me a seemingly proven claim about the common problems couples would normally have.
“all couples have money issues”
And yet when being asked again what do you mean by that, you would just simply say
“I do not know…”


Sometimes, when I did my usual reviewing of what we did that day, I would always find myself laughing. And when I do that, I would always regret not being able to take a video of that whole process with you in that picture only. And sometimes I would wonder if, this could have been your way of making me smile and laugh?


it was rather funny to review my post that was blogged yesterday. that post blogged all my sad emotions and today's post blogged all my happiness, that comes with guit also.

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

(Sunday, May 9, 2010-)
+10:18:00 PM]*

# He dotes on me no more-

" Every man is afraid of something.

That’s how you know he’s in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you " - quote by Priya

its been a long time since i blog but thats alright......

have been feeling rather lost ever since that incident...though things seems to be normal...both me and him knows that there will always be this scar left on our hearts...and neither of us want to recognise it...avoiding i say...and yeah..i guess that's what we are doing right now...

its hard to believe at times that he still loves me... is it me or was it just me?? sensitivity was all he said and with that, he would walked away...

all i ever asked from you was to stay and listen to all i have to say...but you never did...

it was hard to smile when you apologised....because i know...im crying already....

you promised me your ears when i needed one...and you promised me your shoulder when i couldnt support myself...

but none of them ever came true...

you were last in the list when i needed to talk to someone....not because i do not need you...

but because,

i just couldnt bear to hear the endless dialing tone over the line and knew that you werent there..again.

and sometimes, when i couldnt control myself physically, you just wanted to walk away just as when i needed your help emotionally....

why is it so hard to love you without getting hurt?

you seems to be so much happier, even when you knew i was crying....why is that so...

the fact that you can mention so many times of break ups can only prove one thing...and that is your fear has never been me....

the story ends like this;
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