+10:49:00 PM]*
Next, I board on the wrong bus. What a day…
Something happen in the train and I do not know why he did not seem to understand my worst fear. I felt that we were falling apart and yet, he couldn’t feel it. i felt fear gripping my heart and I was on my own all over again. I suddenly thought of running away, away from him, away from the reality, away from the pain and away from the love I missed.
I looked all over for you but I just could not seem to find you baby. All I saw was you putting on a smile which I can never knew your anger. Nevertheless, you still kept your cool and refuse to budge a single inch when I tried to provoke you further. I know that you are controlling very very hard, especially when I was showing a damn ridiculous black face at you, for nothing.
Wanted very much for you to buy something for yourself over at the 77th street, but you refuse to look at the clothes. Everytime you made a transaction, I could see that you were thinking very hard about the money. I know you mind a lot about your cash flow, but what can I do but to help you save in everyway? You refuse to tell me how much you need, you refuse to tell me how much you are left with… why not let me share the burden with you?
I was very happy when you bought the tank top for me…but I do not know why, when you agreed to buy me the top, I felt that you were going to leave. Like this is just some farewell gift. I guess, it was because of the kind smile you gave when you told me to go on and try the top. Maybe it was the smile and the eyes that tells me another story…I do not know. I wanted very much to tell you how I felt at that moment but I do not know how to open my mouth. I just could not find any words to describe that moment.
You must have seen my facial expression when you refuse to try on the clothes. It wasn’t much of me getting impatient over choosing your clothes but rather, you refuse to accept my opinion on something. Its nothing much of a big problem, but I did reminded me of the very sentence you said to me just on valentine’s day, the day you broke up with me
“we are very different, we do not have anything in common, we argue over small matter, we fought for different ideas… we are just not match.”
Anyway, I did not forge the braclet you bought for me. I still kept it. it was just so beautiful and enchanting that I could not bear to wear it. but you will never accept this reason.
you bought yourself an ear ring...and it really suits you=)
this was the one that make me smile till now...=)))
see, i did not forget =p they look so lovely aint it?
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+4:32:00 PM]*
Valentine’s day :
Thought that ever thing would be way different from last time. thought that you cherished this day. but I was wrong.
During that time when we could spend more time together, I discovered more about you. I discovered the real you. and to tell the truth, I did not enjoy that ‘you’. I was very unhappy and disappointed during that period and yet, I could not tell you how I felt.
During that period, I thought it would be the great opportunity for myself to change and be a good girlfriend to you. little did I know that you did not realise the change but also said that I acted more like a maid to you by serving you, jumping up whenever you need things and etc.
During the first day of new year, I went to your house to see you gamble for at least 2 hours. Waited for you to prepare for at least 1 hour plus. You were not very happy with me because you thought that I have taken your hong pao. Because of that, you gave me your face, because of that, you did not want to talk to me properly. What did I exactly do? even if I really did accidentally took your ang pao, wouldn’t It mean that you care more about the money rather than you girl friend taking that bit of money?
I was so disappointed in you. when you ask where we would want to for valentine’s, I said home. no because I did not want to go out with you but because I wanted to go home and change to pretty clothes. But no, you immediately said okay and you went ahead to contact your beloved brother and even told me that you would go over there to play poker. And you even told me that you would not look me up for these past few days. And with that, I got a break up message from you, on VALENTINE’S DAY!
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+11:08:00 PM]*
Something bad happened to me yesterday. And I could not do anything to heal the hurt it brought to me. what hurt me the most was not because of that incident but because you failed to stood by me when I needed you…and..this isn’t the first time.
Maybe even if you did reply me on time or pick up my call, It would not help much since you were so far away. But what I need was not your hundred percent guard but your comforting and assuring sound. i closed my eyes praying that he would go away and I grabbed my phone till my phone was drenched with sweat. I waited and waited with fear but you did not reply…the least I could get from you was your advice on what to do. I tried calling you..but …you did not pick up.
Maybe if I had alighted at the usual bus stop, none of these things could have happen. Maybe if I had ignored my own pride about my flesh being seen by him, none of these things could have happened.
I finally received your message after an hour plus…but it was all too late. What I fear the most has happened and I could do was to cry…
I was very disappointed by you and I find it hard to believe that you would not care at all despite my desperate call for help in the message. All you did was reply saying not to be scared. Is there any use at all by using your mouth to say such things? Is there any use at all when your words do not mean a thing at all?
I tried telling you why I was upset with you.. but you insist that you were not in the fault. You couldn’t care as much as I thought you would after it told you about what had happened to me.
I cried so badly on the phone, but all you wanna do was to hang up the call. Why? Because you are tired.
It is so clear that you no longer love me the way a real love is called. It is so clear that there were not love being shown by you. it was so clear that I did not matter to you. it was so clear that it didn’t bother you that I was so hurt by you. it all didn’t matter to you even when I got molested. What more rape?
I was so hurt that you had chosen to believe your phone rather than me.
I was so hurt that you didn’t believe me when I told you.
I was so hurt by your tone used on me.
and if all these things you had done to me were not hurting enough, you told me that you are tired of this relationship and you do not want to talk to me. ..and with that, you hang up on me…leaving me to cry alone.
Right there and then do I know how much I mean to you.
It was right there and then I realise what I fool I had been, waiting for you to care and love me
It was right there and then I cried for the lose of my youth spent on you…
It was right there and then I realise that I am not the one you are looking for…
And it was right there and then I had decided to let you go…
It had been such great pain and agony to see you wanting to break up this relationship times and timed again. it was such great pain to hold on so tightly to this relationship when you just kept tearing them off.
It was so painful to see you not appreciating this precious relationship I had yearn and carefully look after..it really did hurt to see you not caring at all of the things I had done for you. because all I get was your this sentence, “ you do not treat me that well either…I am just your dog”
Maybe to you, all I ever did was to use violence against you…but I know deep down in my heart how much I had loved and cared for you. I know deep down in my heart, you were never a dog like you said you were.
Only you can get angry while I couldn’t. even if you knew you were in the wrong, a word ‘sorry’ was all I get and nothing else from you. that just show how much I matters to you. why send me those short messages filled with meaningless words when you have never fulfilled them at all? why say you would be there for me forever when you NEVER HAD ONCE DONE IT BEFORE?
all you did was breaking with me as and when you like just because you are angry…all you did was ignore my calls and all I get was you not being there for me when you knew I needed you…
What for send me those messages when you were not even sincere in asking for my apology? Do you even care for my feelings? do you even know how hurt am i? I can bet…if you were to see this post today, you would want to break up with me. last time. last time. I will never be a foolish girl anymore.
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