You typedd*: blog

(Wednesday, January 27, 2010-)
+4:46:00 PM]*

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Received no message from him on Monday afternoon. Send more than 3 messages to him. the last one was just to say goodnight. Little did I know that on the following day, he did not reply either in the evenings. It was during the evening then I realised that my sim card was not slot properly. And that explain why all of my messages were not being sent out.

After I tried to restart my phone again, I received two messages from him. one was to ask why I did not reply him. and the other one was to say “nvm la, slp early and bye.”
What am I seeing? I felt so maligned and yet instead of trying to find out why, u did not call up. What if something had really happened? Were you ever worried for me? no. u thought about yourself. You thought about how you felt on that day. you taught about your pride on that point of time when I did not reply you. nothing were ever about me.

I replied you back telling you sorry and eve explained to you even though it wasn’t my fault at all. I called you twice but you did not pick up. All I recived was a reply saying that you were sorry and you were working and there is no time for you to reply. I know you are very busy, but you do not seem to mind that you are neglecting me so much.

Today, you finally called. You told me that you had work till morning today and that you were very tired. But what surprise me was you got the energy to go feasting and shopping with your friend but no energy to look me up. It just prove a point. you do not care a single shit about me at all.

U knew that I did not have enough cash. And do you really think that your 10 dollars were enough for me last this whole week? You did not ask about my money problem but you were busy looking after yourself.

You knew that I am facing with money problem twice but you did not bother to take any action or do anything to show me that you remembered and cared. NO. you did not. I have to go asking from my father for just that 5 dollars. And today, I have to ask hanisah for 10 dollars. Where is the support and help you said you were going to give me?

You are just a liar and a selfish boyfriend who do not care anything about me as long as it does not benefit you In any other way. You said you are going to change and despite the 30 promises you had broken, I STILL BELIEVED YOU. but right now, you failed again.

I will not trust you anymore. If you were to mentioned a break up again. I will not ask you back anymore. I will never cry for you like a cheap women and I will never beg you to come back anymore. I tried my best to sustain this relationship but you just keep breaking them. since you do not cherish this relationship and do not cherish me nor the promises you made to me, so be it bah. Im tired. Enough is enough. You made me cry way too much already. You hurt me way too much already.

the story ends like this;
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(Monday, January 25, 2010-)
+10:19:00 PM]*

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You are working now…for the first time, I no longer felt the heavy stone in my heart anymore. Part of it have been removed by some unexplained reasons…what are they? I still do not know…

In fact, something in me seems to be increasing at a very fast rate.

It just could not go back anymore.
It just want to be placed near that someone. ..
It just want to comfort that someone…
It just want to say..i love you…

What have you done to have it steal away from me? what have you said to attract it over within a few min? how did you manage to heal it within a few months??? Antibiotics or what is still needed..but the covering of the wounds have been stitched by you..and I pray that the tearing will not be done by you…

Are we really happy now or were they just pure masks and toleration? All these make beliefs make me want to tear the screen down so that I can see the tears and frustrations in you…but can i?

Till now, I still am unsure of the words you gave me. you said you want to change for me, because you love me. you said you want to change because you knew that you have been treating me rather badly. but these words make my heart skip a beat because I no longer knew which are the truths anymore. All I can see was tolerance.

In fact, I knew that you are still tolerating me…why the tolerance when you can choose to forgive and forget? I have already forgave you, why can’t you just close one eye for the small little mistakes I have done to you? my violence towards you is something I cannot forgive myself either. but the least you could do was to pray for me…giving me back the irritations will not help when none of us are sober…but…hais…

When will these fantasy end? When will you show your true self? I am still waiting..and as I wait, I was also waiting for the day where you will threw the relationship away on my face…as the day goes by, I got very scared…really very scared….

the story ends like this;
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+10:19:00 PM]*

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the story ends like this;
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(Thursday, January 21, 2010-)
+8:10:00 PM]*

# come back to me-

I was quite upset with myself and with the things I have chosen. I thought, there might be some other changes after that nice talk. I really thought everything will change for the better, I really did. I grasp that last hope that life would be better once I start to give in to you. but little did I know that it got worst, or should I say…it was too late for changes?

I cried all the time even in between the quarrels not because I like crying or because I was losing..but because I was very hurt to see u treating me in this manner. And I thought you were different from him. it really breaks my heart to see all these things deteriorating. What am I suppose to do? many ask me to give this all up…but could i? I could not even bear to mention break for fear that it might hurt you, but that was in the past. Right now, you were the one mentioning break to me…for how many times I do not know. and it hurts to think that the work break has become one of your common words. Why is this so baby? Why? What must I say to let you know how much I was hurt by you baby.

I think I have fallen deep in love with you already. And I must admit that whatever you do to me, iw asnt very angry anymore. Because, I forgive you once you repented. But right now,. I do not know if you would do the same to me again.

Boy,where have you gone to? I really miss you. why have you ran away? Why did you turn away from me? why did you gave me up? Why boy? Why do this to me when you know you were the only companion I had? Why boy? When will you come back to my side?

I miss you so much baby…I really do…remember your three promises you made to me? I guess you do not anymore…it does not matter to you anymore…I really do not want to give you up…please, do not make me give up…I am still waiting for you to change baby…still waiting…

the story ends like this;
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(Friday, January 8, 2010-)
+11:34:00 PM]*

# 9th month anniversary-

14:45 pm
Today is the day when we mark the new month of the year, 9th month. It have been 9 months since we talk casually.

And I was wondering where have all the nice feelings gone to…
I do still miss that kind of feeling I had when I first saw you. though it was not like anything in the fairy tale story where all the princesses got heart pumping fast and all. but, I still miss the panicky feeling I get whenever you sms me.

We quarrelled rather badly today. Break up was initiated by me. as I think that you do not really care about this relationship. And you did not make any plans for us today. Again, you shifted the blame to money.(lack of money)

I just do not get it. Why could not you just face the fact that you were not sincere enough for this whole thing? Why carn you just admit that you were still not ready for this relationship?

You said you are determined to change for the better. And I told you that It is hard for me to believe you again. how can I trust you? after all the lies you have been giving me and all the empty promise made? I really wanted to trust you, but can I ? I really do not want to experience the same hurt again and again. I really do not want.

23:30
You are now at my house, watching television on the four headed monster snake. With your arms over your head like a pose by the monkey in the zoo, I could see you toes twitching on the cmall stool in front of you. hahaha.how I wish you can stay here with me. now, you are switching channels, watching your favourite show, 篮球火

the story ends like this;
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(Wednesday, January 6, 2010-)
+6:22:00 PM]*

# -

Monday 4th January 2010

Tot that tml start sch…din have enuff sleep thinking that I can ton the for the last night…zzz

Skipped the morning meeting as I was too lazy to wake up…I juts kept readjusting my alarm to a later time. from 05:45 to 07:15 then from 07:15 to 07:45 then finally to 08:00

Dunnoe wats wrong with me too. I cried yesterday after i saw the time table…as I crept back to my bed reluctantly, I teared…becos, it really sucks to go to sch with nothing to lookfoward to. And it sucks to do something that I do not like at all after a quarrel with ahh pui.

14.45
Just finished presenting…and he did not reply anything relating to the message I send hime yesterday. I just dun get it…why must he always act blur and avoid the problems that hurts me the most?

the story ends like this;
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(Monday, January 4, 2010-)
+8:44:00 PM]*

# want to leave this place forever...-

Tot that tml start sch…din have enuff sleep thinking that I can ton the for the last night…zzz

Skipped the morning meeting as I was too lazy to wake up…I juts kept readjusting my alarm to a later time. from 5.45 to 7.15 then from 7.15 to 7.45 then finally to 8.00

Dunnoe wats wrong with me too. I cried yesterday after i saw the time table…as I crept back to my bed reluctantly, I teared…becos, it really sucks to go to sch with nothing to look foward to. And it sucks to do something that I do not like at all after a quarrel with ahh pui.

14:45
Just finished presenting…and he did not reply anything relating to the message I send hime yesterday. I just dun get it…why must he always act blur and avoid the problems that hurts me the most?

20:22
Just finished my reflection journal. Failed to fulfil the things you said to me yesterday. You went out with your friends instead. Am I that small in your eyes? Why am I being put last all the time?

Waited for you to stop hurting me. but now, I know this would never happen as long as I am not the girl you really like. Wanted to wait for you to stay by my side for just this once. But now I know, it will never happen. and as time goes, I started to forget that you ever exist whenever I start crying.

I’ve waited till my hands and fingers went numb with all the repeated non –stopping dialling on my mobile for you. because, you never did pick up my calls. My mind went blank whenever I started crying. Because, I know that no matter how much I tried to remember the things you did to me, things will still be the same.

My mouth went numb with all the heart –felt talking to you. u listened patiently, but you never did help to console me. you were there physically. You were there right in front of me. but your heat, have never go all out for me. you never did feel sorry for me. you never did pity me with all the sufferings I went through. You never did.

Even as I speak, you were out having fun with your friends. My sister and brother got so close all of a sudden. And now, im being left out. Tried to blend in, but they were not interested at all. and so, I cried the moment they left the house for yishun.

I cried because I realised that I was no longer being love by anyone. Not even you.

You told me that you wanted me to be happy. But you never did make me happy. You wanted the relationship to last, but you never did do your part. Break up were the only thing you did.

I wanted to give up. I really wanted to give up. And, I no longer want to talk more anymore. Because ignoring the nasty attitude and the feeling of being left out were not easy at all. ignoring the fact that no one cared at all were difficult too.

Dear God,
I really pray that you would take me away from here. I want to be with you forever. I do not want to stay here. I feel so lonely. I really did. Crying was all I did here. help me forget everything will You?

Help me let go of this painful memories will You?
“I will find my way, I walk a different way, there’ll be a brand new day…”
“nothing will stop me now, no matter what they say”
“我会用努力和坚强的来面对一切。。。我一个人了。。。”

the story ends like this;
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