(Monday, December 21, 2009-)
+10:59:00 PM]*

# i do not know how to love myself-

I just read something that makes me go “im-in-wonderland…”.

I am going to start questioning again and start having doubts for my life. Comparing yet again for I don’t know how many million times with others. And I have just realised about how dull my life is.

If I am being question about one interesting thing about my life, what would I say?? there is nothing interesting I have in mind I want to say!

Not being able to smile like any other girl really makes me hate myelf even more. I really cannot find any other reasons to love myself anymore. I really do not know how to anymore. As I pour them out in here, nobody actually bothers about me. not even my boyfriend. Who just carn be bothered about anything as long as is negative. Negative….

I have a sister who is loved by everyone outside because she like to laugh and smile but….just the opposite of her when it comes to sister ship. A nice girl who can be so entertaining to the others with jokes and laughters can be so mean and behaves selfishly to the older sister…what more can I say? Nobody believes me or even understands me. Not even my boyfriend. And this make me depressed even more.

A brother who do not seem to care or even bothers to care…who thinks that I am just a demanding sister who likes to throw tantrums and shouts at anyone….makes me depressed even more….

A mum who have so much expectations from me and yet oblivious to my feelings when picking up quarrels…makes the hundredth reason for me to not smile…

My boyfriend, who do not understand me at all…who enjoys having fun. I really do not know how to describe him. he makes me sad when he was suppose to make me smile. Makes me cry when he is suppose to be there to make me laugh. He make me aged even more by not getting angry when he is suppose to be there to reduce the stress and burden I have been carrying for such a long time. what more can I say? he just carn be bothered whether I am happy. What more say? he will never asked himself questions like “is she hungry? , is she having fun right now? is she sad right now? “ …never……

Tell him u say? how can I? when I have already done that for don’t know how many times. Im really tired of waiting for him to do something that will make me smile. I am so scared of having expectations from him because it hurts really badly when it happened the way i did not want. Will we ever be happy being together?

I badly wanted to be like any normal girl. i badly wanted my life to end here and start a whole new life again. i want to stop being afraid of how people always talks about me behind my back wherever I go. I really detest this feeling. I really do. paranoid? Sensitive? That’s me….

I want to laugh instead of crying…I want to smile instead of scowling…I want to talk instead of shouting that makes my head spin with pain…I want to think at peace when troubles arised…

I really need that someone to appear…

the story ends like this;
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