(Thursday, December 31, 2009-)
+5:48:00 PM]*

# waiting for the right guy...-

I was crying so hard, but you told me to leave you alone so that you have your freedom.
You said I was pressing you too hard, you said you need to cool down..but the one who really nid it is me….

I am nothing important at all. to you, im just a girl. a normal girl.

the story ends like this;
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(Monday, December 21, 2009-)
+10:59:00 PM]*

# i do not know how to love myself-

I just read something that makes me go “im-in-wonderland…”.

I am going to start questioning again and start having doubts for my life. Comparing yet again for I don’t know how many million times with others. And I have just realised about how dull my life is.

If I am being question about one interesting thing about my life, what would I say?? there is nothing interesting I have in mind I want to say!

Not being able to smile like any other girl really makes me hate myelf even more. I really cannot find any other reasons to love myself anymore. I really do not know how to anymore. As I pour them out in here, nobody actually bothers about me. not even my boyfriend. Who just carn be bothered about anything as long as is negative. Negative….

I have a sister who is loved by everyone outside because she like to laugh and smile but….just the opposite of her when it comes to sister ship. A nice girl who can be so entertaining to the others with jokes and laughters can be so mean and behaves selfishly to the older sister…what more can I say? Nobody believes me or even understands me. Not even my boyfriend. And this make me depressed even more.

A brother who do not seem to care or even bothers to care…who thinks that I am just a demanding sister who likes to throw tantrums and shouts at anyone….makes me depressed even more….

A mum who have so much expectations from me and yet oblivious to my feelings when picking up quarrels…makes the hundredth reason for me to not smile…

My boyfriend, who do not understand me at all…who enjoys having fun. I really do not know how to describe him. he makes me sad when he was suppose to make me smile. Makes me cry when he is suppose to be there to make me laugh. He make me aged even more by not getting angry when he is suppose to be there to reduce the stress and burden I have been carrying for such a long time. what more can I say? he just carn be bothered whether I am happy. What more say? he will never asked himself questions like “is she hungry? , is she having fun right now? is she sad right now? “ …never……

Tell him u say? how can I? when I have already done that for don’t know how many times. Im really tired of waiting for him to do something that will make me smile. I am so scared of having expectations from him because it hurts really badly when it happened the way i did not want. Will we ever be happy being together?

I badly wanted to be like any normal girl. i badly wanted my life to end here and start a whole new life again. i want to stop being afraid of how people always talks about me behind my back wherever I go. I really detest this feeling. I really do. paranoid? Sensitive? That’s me….

I want to laugh instead of crying…I want to smile instead of scowling…I want to talk instead of shouting that makes my head spin with pain…I want to think at peace when troubles arised…

I really need that someone to appear…

the story ends like this;
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(Saturday, December 19, 2009-)
+2:18:00 PM]*

# 我能放下吗?-

我算是什么？我在你们的眼里，有多重要？

I would pay to get an answer from every single one of you. I really want to know the truth… despite the obvious answers displayed in front of me, I still want it to be heard from each and every one of your lips….

With or without me, does not really matter aint it? I’m not worth your every single effort just to humour me, to earn my forgiveness or to even talk to me or even be with me. it pains to see myself being rated at such low ranks. It is pretty irritating to someone beating about her own life crying out how pitiful she is… but have you ever want to stop and look at this girl for just this few seconds?

I’ll do anything to get all of your attention silently. But getting all the nasty stares and comments have never crossed my mind and I do sometimes wonder why do I have to do all this unnecessary things?

They do not need to do anything I have done to earn other people’s liking but me? I act like im an unwanted human whom people really detest talking with. Being alone is my style. And I really do not want to care how people thinks. But the way they act around me , really hurts me.

Having you by my side does not make any difference. You are just the same as them. the only difference is the both of us are of different gender with a special name “couple”. Support, love, care, concern and happiness were never there. and I am still waiting. I really am….but till how long can I withstand your attitude you are giving me? I really have never expect myself to land in this state.

A self pity and annoying attitude will never be attracted to anyone. I really wished for just this one day where I can be freed of all this pain and just be myself. Can i? I really want to drop everything down and walk on without looking back. But I cant do it…

我真的做不到…

the story ends like this;
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(Wednesday, December 9, 2009-)
+2:51:00 PM]*

# preparing for the worst ald-

I was very hurt by you yet again. u hurt me as and when u like. But do you also have to do that even during our anniversary?

As I recalled the many times you have hurt me, I wondered to myself whether you really love me or not. or were you just taking advantage of me?

You went drinking. Why? Because of us or because of fun?
Tml you will be going down to cs party. And I prepared the worst ald. Girls…who would reject them?

If you got smitten by them, what can I say then?





[[updated]][11.11]]

“either your f* friend or me” is all I said before I hang up.

You chose him. you do not need to say out your thoughts but I already know what you were going to say. I am a very unreasonable person.

Why did I do that in the first place? I wanted to know how much you really care. I wanted to know how important this relationship was to you. I use to see the people in the tv dramas asking their husband to choose between them or their mother, and I use to laugh at them for being so unreasonable.

And now? it is my turn to do that. I now finally know how they felt when their husband were at lost of answers and for some? Who resorted to their mothers. When the wives cried their hearts out, I find it almost too dramatic to believe that the tears have to be shed. But now? I finally knew how they felt.

You may think that I am being childish and unreasonable towards this whole relationship too. but did I did that out of fun? did I did that out of anger? Infact, I have been pondering over this question for you to make. And to be honest, I thought you would come to me again. but no, you just simply do not care even when I have already declared us friends. No calls or messages were made despite the phone with batteries.

What can I say? I wanted to call you and apologise to you for my mistake but I was not expecting it to ring when I tried calling as you told me that your phone was dying already. But it rang anyway. I grew angry instead of feeling apologetic. You sounded so irritated and I almost died on the spot.

I really could not believe me trying to apologise to you. what am I to you I asked again?
Maybe it is really time for me to say goodbye to you. but I really carn bear to see you going out with another girl. But what can I do? fate is fate. I carn just simply overlook at this problem of ours and presume it to be normal. I carn simply just tell myself that it will be alright after a few days.

I really do not want to see history repeating itself again. and yet, I have tried all my best to savage this relationship.

There were so many things I wanted to share with you. but I ended up sharing it alone with this blog of mine. Because I know that you wouldn’t bother to listen to my unhappiness. So many things were running through my mind, and yet, I cannot say them out as and when I like. If only…..if only I am a cold hearted girl. Then, woudnt all the problems be solved? Imagine me not minding about how people look or talk about me. imagine me doing whatever I want withough having to think twice about doing anything. Imagine me being happy because I do not have any other worries. And finally, imagining me, living my life to the fullest without a single drop of tears for guys ever again.

When will you be gone away from my heart?

the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________

(Wednesday, December 2, 2009-)
+11:04:00 PM]*

# love me or torture me-

Is quarrelling the only way to communicate between us? It really sadden me to think that we have to go through a cruel and violent bickering to find out the truth we wanted and getting hurt and ‘abused’ before we can stopped.

What are we becoming into? Enemies? I do not know.

I do not know what has caused you to accuse me in this manner. What was I doing? Why were there light on my face you asked? Am I doing other things? Yes. I was indeed doing things.

I was busy giving my eyes some comfort therapy after having been doing my homework. Baby, I was looking at you…

My eyes were itching and and it hurts nowadays. So I have to constantly adjust the LCD light to a more comforting which will stop my eyes from tearing again.
Baby, that explains the light on my face…

It is okay to ask me. but what were the accusations for? What were the disbelieves for? Baby, I am still your baby. Why is that you are hurting me so much even when you were so far away?

Maybe you were angry because I refused to give you the password to my blog. I did that because I cannot bear to see you get hurt over the things I have said. I cannot bear for you to get vexed over the things i said in my blog.

[[7.55]]
Called you. I decided that I should not continue to be so petty and childish. Decided to give in to you. decided to exchange my pride for your voice. But..i ended up crying instead. I was very hurt. No one has treated me in this manner before. And for once, I was at lose of words.

I was here trying to change but it didn’t work out. Must I persevere? Is it worth trying?

[[11.00]]
Saw his message. But they sounded so mundane and dull. The words were so familiar that I could almost memorize them. i do not know what to do. I really do not know what to do. first time in my life, I could be looking forward to…..nothing.

Let me go or to torture me?

the story ends like this;
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