(Monday, November 30, 2009-)
+10:22:00 PM]*

# love, thats all i asked-

When will my post be an enjoyable one?

It has been ages since I laughed and post a funny one.

And then again, it sets me thinking whether it is worth all the tear and pain I have been shedding. I have never felt so anguished and disappointed before. How should I say it? I really do not know. I tend to kick myself all the time because I do not know how to express my feelings well and what makes it worst was, I have not succeeded making my feelings understandable and known. So what am I doing now?

What am I waiting for I do not know. my life seems to be deteriorating like I’ve got infested by a contagious disease. It seems to gets more deadly and lifeless like i was born without any limbs or any heart that will always be filled with emotions.

Having a boyfriend have always been my dream. As I dreamt about us playing, I dreamt about me telling you the darkest secret and seeing you giggle like nobody’s business.

8.00
[[just came back from KFC treat]]

I had a tiff with my mother again. she talk about Kenneth again. she just could not stop criticising Kenneth. Why? After so long already, why do you still have to rack the past again? y do you not consider my feelings when you did that in front of the others? Why still let him surface amongst our conversation? What have become of you after you manage to patch things up with daddy and my sister? Since there is nothing in which the both of us could stand, why make use of me then?

When you were down and lonely, you came to me. You treat me like I am your only daughter giving me and telling me the things you have. You even bothered to wait for me to go to the bus stop before waving goodbye. After things got better for you, you start picking on me. I may be a girl that has no likable character with nasty temper, but I do have feelings that are sensitive enough to detect your biasness. I do not know. I just think that I should not be here in this earth. Nothing seems to be the reason for me to be living in this world?

I have not been touching the bible for a very long time. I do not like going to church all over again. I do not enjoy studying in the class? Or is it because of the people who were teaching me? What was the reason? I do not know…all I know is I have done you wrong God. And I know that the words that have been coming out of my mouth were nothing but empty words that do not carry any meaning. Till now, I still do not dare to ask you of any favours. Praying makes me stutter too as I do not know what to say.

Can I still ask for a turn in time?

Seeing my own reflection would be the time when I start saying goodbye,
Talking with no breaks would then be the time I say goodbye to my youth,
Talking without a smile would be the time I walk alone on the beach…

Waiting for roads to be laid ahead before I make my first step,
Waiting for sweets in the air to be thrown down,
And…I am still waiting, for another pair of footprints beside mine…

Crossed red lights with no obstacles,
Stain in wrongful rain drops,
And…followed the wrong hand home…

Slept on the road till I breathe last,
Slept in the beds of unknown surrounded by white peoples,
And…entered the kingdom of peace where…I could stop hurting…


10.19
[[still waiting for a message from you]]

I sometime do wonder how cold you could be…despite knowing the disappointment I have…you acted like nothing have ever happen. was I really being stupid ? should I heed the advice? I found myself glancing towards the table where my phone sat comfortably in the cushion…

Am I your girlfriend?
Let me go once you think the time is up…

the story ends like this;
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