I have not been able to smile properly, ever since love was introduced into my life. I could still remember how I dreamt about love when I was still young. I imagine love as a medicine that would never taste bitter. I imagined the guy to be the most romantic guy that would always make my heart melt like the way the marshmallow does when put into our mouth. I imagined the guy to be the most caring guy for me that would always look out for me or even prepare small little things that could help in anyway. i once dreamt about this mysterious guy who celebrated my birthday with just a kiss on my cheek. Though it was just something that would never exits, I could still remember the feeling that I got when the back of the guy with the hat walks away. Till now, I would never forget his back view. And, yeah, it was just a dream after all. and that was my very first time experiencing the pain of having to miss someone.
I got my very first serious guy when I was sec 4. Despite the vows that I made to myself about not having any boyfriends until when I was old enough, I still could not resist the temptation of being loved by someone at a very young age. However, that’s when my dreams were crushed …in fact, it got crushed pretty badly.
Right now, after that painful journey, I experienced another type of love from another guy.
I do not know what to say…all I could say was, I loved him more than I do for the previous guy that was supposedly to be my first love. How did I know you asked? I teared for this guy almost every week… there wasn’t once when I could stop thinking about him betraying me. I could not stop worrying for him whenever he was outside. It was also my very first time taking care of a guy to such extent that I do not know that I have violate my own principles about treating a boyfriend. I guess, I have crossed the limit I have set for myself. Yes, very disappointed. Very….
We broke up like more than 6 times and Sunday was the current one. till now, we still haven’t patched. I just wondered to myself whether he really loves me. despite the many times of assurance that I got, I still think that he do not. why? The actions that he portray. You see, when you really like someone, you would automatically do things that you would not have expected you to do. for him? I have to hint him, tell him and teach him on what to do…isn’t this ridiculous?
Even up till now, he still think that I want him to change. I guess he does not know the difference between changing and behaving the correct way. What I should I do right now? I do not want to patch things up just because I wanted to but I wanted this to be a test for his paticence and also for a time for him to find out what he really wants for his life. I guess…its time I let him go on his own and let him figure out the answers for himself. It hurrt pretty badly now that I could not see him.
But in the long run, I would have to be ready for an even greater pain as I see him getting to know more girls and eventually, got himself a new girlfriend. Im not ready for the second torture. I really dread that day to come. All I want was him to love me. but…it wasn’t always easy to find someone who can love you for a long time.
You do not invest things too much when there wasn’t any confidence in you or any foreseen results…you only invest huge amounts when being told by your broker or you have an inside information….. it hurts…
“dear Lord, can I ask that I do not have to love any guys? I could take it anymore.”