You typedd*:
blog
(Monday, November 30, 2009-)
+10:22:00 PM]*
# love, thats all i asked-
When will my post be an enjoyable one?
It has been ages since I laughed and post a funny one.
And then again, it sets me thinking whether it is worth all the tear and pain I have been shedding. I have never felt so anguished and disappointed before. How should I say it? I really do not know. I tend to kick myself all the time because I do not know how to express my feelings well and what makes it worst was, I have not succeeded making my feelings understandable and known. So what am I doing now?
What am I waiting for I do not know. my life seems to be deteriorating like I’ve got infested by a contagious disease. It seems to gets more deadly and lifeless like i was born without any limbs or any heart that will always be filled with emotions.
Having a boyfriend have always been my dream. As I dreamt about us playing, I dreamt about me telling you the darkest secret and seeing you giggle like nobody’s business.
8.00
[[just came back from KFC treat]]I had a tiff with my mother again. she talk about Kenneth again. she just could not stop criticising Kenneth. Why? After so long already, why do you still have to rack the past again? y do you not consider my feelings when you did that in front of the others? Why still let him surface amongst our conversation? What have become of you after you manage to patch things up with daddy and my sister? Since there is nothing in which the both of us could stand, why make use of me then?
When you were down and lonely, you came to me. You treat me like I am your only daughter giving me and telling me the things you have. You even bothered to wait for me to go to the bus stop before waving goodbye. After things got better for you, you start picking on me. I may be a girl that has no likable character with nasty temper, but I do have feelings that are sensitive enough to detect your biasness. I do not know. I just think that I should not be here in this earth. Nothing seems to be the reason for me to be living in this world?
I have not been touching the bible for a very long time. I do not like going to church all over again. I do not enjoy studying in the class? Or is it because of the people who were teaching me? What was the reason? I do not know…all I know is I have done you wrong God. And I know that the words that have been coming out of my mouth were nothing but empty words that do not carry any meaning. Till now, I still do not dare to ask you of any favours. Praying makes me stutter too as I do not know what to say.
Can I still ask for a turn in time?
Seeing my own reflection would be the time when I start saying goodbye,
Talking with no breaks would then be the time I say goodbye to my youth,
Talking without a smile would be the time I walk alone on the beach…
Waiting for roads to be laid ahead before I make my first step,
Waiting for sweets in the air to be thrown down,
And…I am still waiting, for another pair of footprints beside mine…
Crossed red lights with no obstacles,
Stain in wrongful rain drops,
And…followed the wrong hand home…
Slept on the road till I breathe last,
Slept in the beds of unknown surrounded by white peoples,
And…entered the kingdom of peace where…I could stop hurting…
10.19
[[still waiting for a message from you]]
I sometime do wonder how cold you could be…despite knowing the disappointment I have…you acted like nothing have ever happen. was I really being stupid ? should I heed the advice? I found myself glancing towards the table where my phone sat comfortably in the cushion…
Am I your girlfriend?
Let me go once you think the time is up…
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
(Monday, November 23, 2009-)
+3:12:00 PM]*
# -
Love has defined me as a very violent girl with a gentle and quiet disguise. I guess this was not what you want in the first place and this was not the life you wanted.
Take it as an assumption I do not know, but all I hope for was you to forgive wrongdoings. I fooled you into liking me before letting you see the ugly side of me page by page. This wasn’t what I had in mind when love was being thrown to me.
When you sworn over your heart in the name of the Lord saying that you will never leave me, I would first want you to think of what you had said before saying them out. I know that it is impossible to say that you WILL in the long run. Because you never know your feelings until new things have been shown to you.
No one in this world can be very sure that their love will never waver. NO ONE..
When there were signs of outsiders intruding into our space, I would panick. Yes. You said in the name of love, I would have to trust. And then all the other elements of love comes out and either of us would have to abide to it. But when none of them does, it will be ‘alright’ as long as none of them bothers.
You did hurt me a lot this past few weeks. Your oncoming msgs with the girls and unrepentable lies killed me like I have done the most gravious sin in the world.
Violence may have gotten over me this past few weeks which must have make you love deteriote. But I really hope that if there were to be a day where your limit have been run over and could never refreshed, tell me. be honest with me even on the last day you spend with me. that’s all I ask of you before you leave.
You have already predicted the things I would do whenever things starts to go wrong. be patient with me and help me get out of this trauma I have gone through.
Fear have allowed me to overcome it with anger and no amounts of efforts I put in can ever distinguished the hatred I have in me. the only help I need is you to help me control my temper. It is never you job that you must do this. But the only help I want is you to stay and help me tide through this.
Maybe if God allows you to succeed this, I will congraduate you with this post I have for you. this last paragraph is for you…thanks baby, for running this race with me.
p.s : Just this last question, are you willing stay by my side for all kinds of costs?
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
(Friday, November 20, 2009-)
+6:31:00 PM]*
# -
I hate myself for having such a nasty temper. I hate myself for having such a lousy attitude. I hate myself for having such a nasty heart. and, I hate my own feelings.
Can I have a cold heart? why am is so stupid? Why did I agreed to relationships in the first place? Why am I not happy now? why should I feel sad towards the nasty things the guys did to me? are they worth the tears I am shedding now? how much does my tears worth? Do you know the answer? i guess the tears are just worthless. No one seems to care about them dropping onto the floor when they see one. none of them care anyway?
Then why should I cry? Why am I crying now? do you know? do you even care? A word pf patch and the comfort you are getting now is enough for you. the rest of the things you could not be bothered. Why are man so selfish? Do you care or even feel remourseful for the way you are treating me now? did you feel sad when Im crying so badly?
Have you ever stop to listen about my feelings? have you ever want to find out the pain I am going through? Have you ever stop to listen to me crying? Have you ever care for me? have you ever spared a thought for me?
We patched up yesterday. And I know I shouldn’t have. We quarrelled today. it might seem to be a simple problem and you think that there is nothing for me to kick up such a fuss. We planned to meet today. if you could not, why don’t you say so? Why choose let me wait for you for so many hours instead of planning them nicely? Why? What am I to you?i always worry whenever you are rich. Once you are rich you will go out and play. I worry when you are rich because I am doubtful of the money you are having. I do not know where you had obtained them. And I can never find out because you like to lie.
You look me up only when you are bored. Once you had your own plans you would leave me alone and not bothering to inform me too.
You did not feel remorseful at all for the way you behaved today and you still can ask me why the hell am I flaring? You were in the fault and you think that I am in no position to be angry?
You said you did not want to talk anymore. And you said bye…and let me tell you this…do not regret saying that.
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
(Wednesday, November 18, 2009-)
+7:34:00 PM]*
# -
I have not been able to smile properly, ever since love was introduced into my life. I could still remember how I dreamt about love when I was still young. I imagine love as a medicine that would never taste bitter. I imagined the guy to be the most romantic guy that would always make my heart melt like the way the marshmallow does when put into our mouth. I imagined the guy to be the most caring guy for me that would always look out for me or even prepare small little things that could help in anyway. i once dreamt about this mysterious guy who celebrated my birthday with just a kiss on my cheek. Though it was just something that would never exits, I could still remember the feeling that I got when the back of the guy with the hat walks away. Till now, I would never forget his back view. And, yeah, it was just a dream after all. and that was my very first time experiencing the pain of having to miss someone.
I got my very first serious guy when I was sec 4. Despite the vows that I made to myself about not having any boyfriends until when I was old enough, I still could not resist the temptation of being loved by someone at a very young age. However, that’s when my dreams were crushed …in fact, it got crushed pretty badly.
Right now, after that painful journey, I experienced another type of love from another guy.
I do not know what to say…all I could say was, I loved him more than I do for the previous guy that was supposedly to be my first love. How did I know you asked? I teared for this guy almost every week… there wasn’t once when I could stop thinking about him betraying me. I could not stop worrying for him whenever he was outside. It was also my very first time taking care of a guy to such extent that I do not know that I have violate my own principles about treating a boyfriend. I guess, I have crossed the limit I have set for myself. Yes, very disappointed. Very….
We broke up like more than 6 times and Sunday was the current one. till now, we still haven’t patched. I just wondered to myself whether he really loves me. despite the many times of assurance that I got, I still think that he do not. why? The actions that he portray. You see, when you really like someone, you would automatically do things that you would not have expected you to do. for him? I have to hint him, tell him and teach him on what to do…isn’t this ridiculous?
Even up till now, he still think that I want him to change. I guess he does not know the difference between changing and behaving the correct way. What I should I do right now? I do not want to patch things up just because I wanted to but I wanted this to be a test for his paticence and also for a time for him to find out what he really wants for his life. I guess…its time I let him go on his own and let him figure out the answers for himself. It hurrt pretty badly now that I could not see him.
But in the long run, I would have to be ready for an even greater pain as I see him getting to know more girls and eventually, got himself a new girlfriend. Im not ready for the second torture. I really dread that day to come. All I want was him to love me. but…it wasn’t always easy to find someone who can love you for a long time.
You do not invest things too much when there wasn’t any confidence in you or any foreseen results…you only invest huge amounts when being told by your broker or you have an inside information….. it hurts…
“dear Lord, can I ask that I do not have to love any guys? I could take it anymore.”
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
(Tuesday, November 17, 2009-)
+12:03:00 AM]*
# -
You agreed to break up..and you hurt me a lot. I did not know that our relationship could be so fragile to such an extent that the word ‘break up’ could be brought up in any of our conversation so easily. It is almost like, it was our favourite word. How could this have happened?
You never get hurt that I was crying so badly all the time. you never did care for me or even put me infront of you. I have asked you thousands of times on how worthy I am to you. but you never gave me an answer.
Up till now…you still do not know how hurt I am… you mention his name yesterday…you promised me never to say his name…but you did anyway not caring a hoot about my feelings. you dare me to fight with you and said you were fine with a break up. I do not know why I love you anymore.
I guess you have never stood at my position whenever you felt unhappy or whenever I was unhappy. You always thought of yourself first. You never appreciate the things I did for you. all you do was to remember every single nasty things I did to you. what is this? Love you mean?
You have never make any efforts to win me back or to make me happy. And I do not know what am I to you.
Until now you still talk about things you were not happy. Not a single thing about you being remorseful about the way you hurt me. not a single thing.
I guess my tears were shed for the sake of the nature. None of them were worth the love I gave to you guys.
Since there are so many things you do not like and are very unhappy about them, I suggest that you find yourself a suitable girl then. Im tired of being a girl who do not get any love. I do not know why I am so stupid too.
Since I am so not worthy….and since you wanted it to end here…so be it bah…
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________