(Tuesday, October 27, 2009-)
+10:38:00 PM]*
+10:38:00 PM]*
# -
yesterday marks the end of our relationship and reflected on myself...
have i been a good girlfren to him? have i really pumped in the fullest?
all the questions just kept flashing...and as they flashed, this image just kept appearing...it was really there when i thought of you..."you release le?" "must be tiring ba?do you have face book?" " i add you?hotmail?msn? you later onliening?" "cat!you sleep already?"
these images are enough for me to stare into space for one slolid hour. and i don't know why these feelings seems so familiar. it was like i have been through this and history just kept repeating.
i felt myself falling into a deep sleep after all the crying. i just wanted to sleep and never wake up. found myself waking up a number of times but i refused to open up my eyes to think of yesterday.
i just wanted to sleep and sleep. because i was so tires living alone.
the fact that you could strike up a conversation with girls would mean that you were never satisfied with one girl alone. and that saddens me alot. what makes me wept louder was you actually did that because you saw me " doing the same thing to other guys"...and you wanted revenge. a byfriend, wanted a revenge against his own girlfriend...i dont even know who you are anymore.
u seek conversation with other girls because of boredom, and it will only lead things further,deeper....every sigle failed relationship starts of with this minor and inoocent act from either party. and to make it more accurate, it happen to me once upon a time.
and to only find myself landing in the same situation.
trust? i gave it to you when you assure me time and again.
forgiveness? i gave it to you because you promised to change..
chances? i gave them to you everyday because i believe that it was my fault that you have done the worng things.
but right now, i dont even know why i love you anymore.
i gave up so many things just because i wanted you to smile. i cried silently so that you wouldne feel so bad. i held things within myself because i know you wouldnt care. and..i do not want to see your " i dont care " face. i really hate it alot. i really do. it makes my heart breaks alot. and i hate it
you, looking for girls...chatting with other girls but send your own girlfren a short message. makes me wonder whether you were the one i wanted. since you wanted them so much....i will let you go...
because, even if we were to patch, i know that it will not be the same anymore. because, i will never be happy as long as the phone was with you, as long as you have the chance to talk to girls. all these things makes me cry all day long...for fear that i might lose you anytime. and i hated these feeling alot.
you might promise to delete all the girls in your contact. but you will still do it in the future.
i hate you
have i been a good girlfren to him? have i really pumped in the fullest?
all the questions just kept flashing...and as they flashed, this image just kept appearing...it was really there when i thought of you..."you release le?" "must be tiring ba?do you have face book?" " i add you?hotmail?msn? you later onliening?" "cat!you sleep already?"
these images are enough for me to stare into space for one slolid hour. and i don't know why these feelings seems so familiar. it was like i have been through this and history just kept repeating.
i felt myself falling into a deep sleep after all the crying. i just wanted to sleep and never wake up. found myself waking up a number of times but i refused to open up my eyes to think of yesterday.
i just wanted to sleep and sleep. because i was so tires living alone.
the fact that you could strike up a conversation with girls would mean that you were never satisfied with one girl alone. and that saddens me alot. what makes me wept louder was you actually did that because you saw me " doing the same thing to other guys"...and you wanted revenge. a byfriend, wanted a revenge against his own girlfriend...i dont even know who you are anymore.
u seek conversation with other girls because of boredom, and it will only lead things further,deeper....every sigle failed relationship starts of with this minor and inoocent act from either party. and to make it more accurate, it happen to me once upon a time.
and to only find myself landing in the same situation.
trust? i gave it to you when you assure me time and again.
forgiveness? i gave it to you because you promised to change..
chances? i gave them to you everyday because i believe that it was my fault that you have done the worng things.
but right now, i dont even know why i love you anymore.
i gave up so many things just because i wanted you to smile. i cried silently so that you wouldne feel so bad. i held things within myself because i know you wouldnt care. and..i do not want to see your " i dont care " face. i really hate it alot. i really do. it makes my heart breaks alot. and i hate it
you, looking for girls...chatting with other girls but send your own girlfren a short message. makes me wonder whether you were the one i wanted. since you wanted them so much....i will let you go...
because, even if we were to patch, i know that it will not be the same anymore. because, i will never be happy as long as the phone was with you, as long as you have the chance to talk to girls. all these things makes me cry all day long...for fear that i might lose you anytime. and i hated these feeling alot.
you might promise to delete all the girls in your contact. but you will still do it in the future.
i hate you
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
(Saturday, October 24, 2009-)
+9:30:00 PM]*
+9:30:00 PM]*
# -
It is 10.03 am, and I am at home doing my revision. Hais…was suppose to go out studying at expo..but I did not have enough money. Thought of going rp, but the library closes at 1 pm.
Things did not go according to my plan. Well..it aint the first time.
My eyes were quite swollen, because of all the cryings last night. Maybe that is another reason why I did not wan to go out studying bah. Despite all these sufferings…he did not care…no message sent by him…a call from him which acts like nothing have happened before…I hate him
10.53am
He called…and I call back..manage to pick up his call..and the tone was…so cold…both of us did not know what to say. i do not know why my heart always have that little space to forgive him when deep down in my heart I know I still hate him. I guess…I still love him bahhh..(does this means that if I do not forgive him, I do not love him anymore?)
Went out with him. but things din went that smoothly as planned. I dunnoe why either. many things have been happening and yet, I have to put on a fake mask.
Maybe to you, I am just a girl who wants nothing but an ideal boyfriend?
Maybe to you, I do not care about a thing…
Maybe to you, I am nothing but a girl with a nasty temper who does not seem to care about a thing but myself?
Maybe to you, im just a girl who needs nothing but guys to surround me?
Maybe to you, I am a girl who might leaves you anytime?
Maybe to you, love is nothing to me?
My dear boy, u might not have said them verbally to me, but deep down in your frail heart, you are scared… every little things you do, every little action u display, tells it all. I may not be the one who understands you well, but I will be the one to solve all the little puzzles you set unknowingly…
Today, I have given up…listen to my words carefully, that’s all I ask of you. stop playing with the words I beg of you. things you are not clear of, tell me…and I am most willing to tell you the meanings hidden in between the words I said.
Today, you told me that you are tired of quarrelling, you told me that you are tired and you said that you have tried to make peace. Today, you told me that I was the one not listening to you. today, you told me to put myself into your own shoes and asked If I am willing to switch roles?
Hear the words you are saying my dear boy, you are not talking about things you wanted to say. you are not talking things you want to hear. Every single words u say, pierced through my heart like never before. Every single comments you make, makes me want to cry. I no longer knew who I am anymore. I no longer knew what I am anymore… I no longer know what the things I wanted to do anymore. What makes it worst was, I no longer know why I love you anymore.
you asked me whether I would want to switch roles with you, my answer to you was yes…I am at most willing to switch roles with you. infact, I had wanted so much for a person to lead me, someone whom I can look up to, someone whom I can rely on, someone whom I can lean on at almost any time. I wanted it so much to the extent that I actually treated you the way I wanted to be treated.
But you never see the pain and the intentions i have. All you see were things that are visible. All you see were things, that any other ordinary people would see.
My dear boy, when a couple comes together, it takes more than love to understand what it really means to be their life long partner. I tried to understand you through your heart despite the fake mask i faced everyday. i was so disappointed with you because you never understand this point. when I told you that u see things through your eyes alone, you do not understand me at all. I gave you time which I have never gave before. For months, I have been waiting for you to understood this point, but you never did.
To you, your life long partner have to be someone who can make you happy all the time. but you have not stop to understand this point about being happy when the ones you love is really happy.
Think about this, when you said you are happy for me…were you really? I hope I am wrong. But I know I am not. do you really love me?
Things did not go according to my plan. Well..it aint the first time.
My eyes were quite swollen, because of all the cryings last night. Maybe that is another reason why I did not wan to go out studying bah. Despite all these sufferings…he did not care…no message sent by him…a call from him which acts like nothing have happened before…I hate him
10.53am
He called…and I call back..manage to pick up his call..and the tone was…so cold…both of us did not know what to say. i do not know why my heart always have that little space to forgive him when deep down in my heart I know I still hate him. I guess…I still love him bahhh..(does this means that if I do not forgive him, I do not love him anymore?)
Went out with him. but things din went that smoothly as planned. I dunnoe why either. many things have been happening and yet, I have to put on a fake mask.
Maybe to you, I am just a girl who wants nothing but an ideal boyfriend?
Maybe to you, I do not care about a thing…
Maybe to you, I am nothing but a girl with a nasty temper who does not seem to care about a thing but myself?
Maybe to you, im just a girl who needs nothing but guys to surround me?
Maybe to you, I am a girl who might leaves you anytime?
Maybe to you, love is nothing to me?
My dear boy, u might not have said them verbally to me, but deep down in your frail heart, you are scared… every little things you do, every little action u display, tells it all. I may not be the one who understands you well, but I will be the one to solve all the little puzzles you set unknowingly…
Today, I have given up…listen to my words carefully, that’s all I ask of you. stop playing with the words I beg of you. things you are not clear of, tell me…and I am most willing to tell you the meanings hidden in between the words I said.
Today, you told me that you are tired of quarrelling, you told me that you are tired and you said that you have tried to make peace. Today, you told me that I was the one not listening to you. today, you told me to put myself into your own shoes and asked If I am willing to switch roles?
Hear the words you are saying my dear boy, you are not talking about things you wanted to say. you are not talking things you want to hear. Every single words u say, pierced through my heart like never before. Every single comments you make, makes me want to cry. I no longer knew who I am anymore. I no longer knew what I am anymore… I no longer know what the things I wanted to do anymore. What makes it worst was, I no longer know why I love you anymore.
you asked me whether I would want to switch roles with you, my answer to you was yes…I am at most willing to switch roles with you. infact, I had wanted so much for a person to lead me, someone whom I can look up to, someone whom I can rely on, someone whom I can lean on at almost any time. I wanted it so much to the extent that I actually treated you the way I wanted to be treated.
But you never see the pain and the intentions i have. All you see were things that are visible. All you see were things, that any other ordinary people would see.
My dear boy, when a couple comes together, it takes more than love to understand what it really means to be their life long partner. I tried to understand you through your heart despite the fake mask i faced everyday. i was so disappointed with you because you never understand this point. when I told you that u see things through your eyes alone, you do not understand me at all. I gave you time which I have never gave before. For months, I have been waiting for you to understood this point, but you never did.
To you, your life long partner have to be someone who can make you happy all the time. but you have not stop to understand this point about being happy when the ones you love is really happy.
Think about this, when you said you are happy for me…were you really? I hope I am wrong. But I know I am not. do you really love me?
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
(Thursday, October 22, 2009-)
+10:29:00 PM]*
+10:29:00 PM]*
# -
Was not sure whether this was what I wanted in the first place.
· Hurts were given to me so many times, and by the time the hurt was gone, I no longer believe in happiness i might get
· Smiles? No longer the same anymore
· Stress? Increased more than I wanted it to be gone
· Peace? Never felt any
· Love? Based on your words alone and nothing else
· Happy? Not a slight hint at all
I wanted to smile so much that I actually did so by sleeping. However, no matter how many times I have entered the lala land, I am still never happy. I dunnoe why
Times have make me realise what kind of boyfren u were. Time have make me realise how important I am to you. time have make me realise how much this relationship really matters. And time have make me realise that u have no goals at all. and that makes me sad.
Friends? I do not have…boyfriend? No different..i do not have anyone on my side now.
Love me?miss me? so what? Does it really matter? Those are just your own feelings…not mine at all. u have never thought of me. never. NEVER! And I do not know why I have to go through all such shits just for you. I don’t know why I have to be so dumb as to forgive u time and again just because of that words you said, just because of that no effort you put in in asking for my forgiveness. Sorry was all you got. SORRY WAS ALL YOU GOT AND NOTHING ELSE!!
I don’t know why i have to give u so many chances when you do not even change or cherish the chances I gave you. ur character aint that kind I thought you were. I guess I were wrong. I was worng from the start. I should have given myself time to noe him better. But no. and now…I do not know what to do anymore.
Frens…shit
Bf…nothing
Family…what more can I say?
No more.
sleepingwasalliwaswaitingforthewholedaynothingelse
· Hurts were given to me so many times, and by the time the hurt was gone, I no longer believe in happiness i might get
· Smiles? No longer the same anymore
· Stress? Increased more than I wanted it to be gone
· Peace? Never felt any
· Love? Based on your words alone and nothing else
· Happy? Not a slight hint at all
I wanted to smile so much that I actually did so by sleeping. However, no matter how many times I have entered the lala land, I am still never happy. I dunnoe why
Times have make me realise what kind of boyfren u were. Time have make me realise how important I am to you. time have make me realise how much this relationship really matters. And time have make me realise that u have no goals at all. and that makes me sad.
Friends? I do not have…boyfriend? No different..i do not have anyone on my side now.
Love me?miss me? so what? Does it really matter? Those are just your own feelings…not mine at all. u have never thought of me. never. NEVER! And I do not know why I have to go through all such shits just for you. I don’t know why I have to be so dumb as to forgive u time and again just because of that words you said, just because of that no effort you put in in asking for my forgiveness. Sorry was all you got. SORRY WAS ALL YOU GOT AND NOTHING ELSE!!
I don’t know why i have to give u so many chances when you do not even change or cherish the chances I gave you. ur character aint that kind I thought you were. I guess I were wrong. I was worng from the start. I should have given myself time to noe him better. But no. and now…I do not know what to do anymore.
Frens…shit
Bf…nothing
Family…what more can I say?
No more.
sleepingwasalliwaswaitingforthewholedaynothingelse
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
(Monday, October 19, 2009-)
+10:10:00 PM]*
+10:10:00 PM]*
# when i feel its time...-
Drafted out a nice plan on me going on a ‘nice’ trip to my usual place to study.
HAD PLANS TO,
1. Wake up early in the morning at 8
2. Allow my phone to sleep while I work on my own
3. 9am: got ready to leave the house with my lappy
4. 10am: reached airport
5. 10.15-11pm: have breakfast over at popeyes..
6. 11.10am-4pm: study at tcc.
7. 5pm: reached home and relax…
8. Had dinner
9. Call him...
2. Allow my phone to sleep while I work on my own
3. 9am: got ready to leave the house with my lappy
4. 10am: reached airport
5. 10.15-11pm: have breakfast over at popeyes..
6. 11.10am-4pm: study at tcc.
7. 5pm: reached home and relax…
8. Had dinner
9. Call him...
Had it all revised over and over again…but I do not know why…step 9 seems to reappear now and then without me having it listed in my plans. I really don’t know why…guess… i missed him bah.
Never once had I considered to leave him but I do not know why that thought just pops up…asking me whether it was my choice or it was from the others? I do not know. I had myself occupied with work and loads of works but when night time came…and when I was alone in the room, I sub- consciously held the phone on my right palm…pondering on whether I should call him or not?
You see…no matter how perfect the plan was planned properly, future does not seem to agree with you..and this? Have not happened once…I repeat..not once…much as I wanted it to go my way, I wanted it to otherwise....because, I wanted it to be the opposite…and this is what I really wanted…
WANTED TO,
You see…no matter how perfect the plan was planned properly, future does not seem to agree with you..and this? Have not happened once…I repeat..not once…much as I wanted it to go my way, I wanted it to otherwise....because, I wanted it to be the opposite…and this is what I really wanted…
WANTED TO,
1. Call him in the morning at 8
2. Had breakfast with him…
3. Reached airport and relax with him…
4. Study at tcc with him…
5. had dinner at popeyes with him…
6. reached home with him at my doorsteps…
7. got ready to shower
8. allow my phone to ring while I rest
9. have long chats with him…again
so in the end…this was what we did …=)
2. Had breakfast with him…
3. Reached airport and relax with him…
4. Study at tcc with him…
5. had dinner at popeyes with him…
6. reached home with him at my doorsteps…
7. got ready to shower
8. allow my phone to ring while I rest
9. have long chats with him…again
so in the end…this was what we did …=)
we meet up at 10.30am….had our breakfast at bedok interchange…left for airport and settled down at tcc to study but was told that studying was not allowed in there. went to expo instead and watched youtube on my lappy at expo, coffee bean…=)
went home at 4 together with him to eat..and he was fortunate enough to get to taste my mum’s cooking..and what was best was, he got to eat my mum’s delicious cake! Well..he better appreciate it because my mum got sick due to the workings on that day…
so you see, nothing has ever gone smoothly with all my planning..why? because there is such thing called “GOD”. Get that…
went home at 4 together with him to eat..and he was fortunate enough to get to taste my mum’s cooking..and what was best was, he got to eat my mum’s delicious cake! Well..he better appreciate it because my mum got sick due to the workings on that day…
so you see, nothing has ever gone smoothly with all my planning..why? because there is such thing called “GOD”. Get that…
Baby came over to my house and had fun playing bomberman! Haha..i do not know why I always find myself admiring his cute round face…despite the pimples…I found him so attractive…don’t ask me why too…maybe time has proven him to be that handsome in my eyes…awww
We were laughing and playing wildly…we tease each other and I had fun pinching him...but in the end…we quarrel…because of one stupid thing…aiyahh..our days always end up like that…gee…zzzz…..
,
Did not do much but had dinner with him and my sis over at the macdonalds. Had some conflicts between baby and my sis…but yeah I know, both were not In the right mood…give in alright? He was very tired and I know that he did not have the mood to play too…
Hais…missing u right now…wishing you to be by right here now…holding on to me…
If there is such a person called Toh Long Hao, I will want to get his number…
If there is such a sport called Basketball, I will want to go play…
If there is such a thing called Cheese, I will want to love to eat it…
If there is ever a comment mentioned “sex”, I will know how the tune goes…
If there comes a day named 30th October 1992, I will want to sing….
We were laughing and playing wildly…we tease each other and I had fun pinching him...but in the end…we quarrel…because of one stupid thing…aiyahh..our days always end up like that…gee…zzzz…..
Did not do much but had dinner with him and my sis over at the macdonalds. Had some conflicts between baby and my sis…but yeah I know, both were not In the right mood…give in alright? He was very tired and I know that he did not have the mood to play too…
Hais…missing u right now…wishing you to be by right here now…holding on to me…
If there is such a person called Toh Long Hao, I will want to get his number…
If there is such a sport called Basketball, I will want to go play…
If there is such a thing called Cheese, I will want to love to eat it…
If there is ever a comment mentioned “sex”, I will know how the tune goes…
If there comes a day named 30th October 1992, I will want to sing….
And…if there is such thing called LOVE, I will want to give it…
To a person named Toh Long Hao born on 30th oct, who loves to play basketball and eat with nothing but nacho cheese with the comment ‘sex’ coming out from his mouth…
Having you in my life have never been in my list …but…your presence make me realise that I have lived in this world to be the happiness and the joy…because…you were the surprise I have been waiting for…I love you <3>
Having you in my life have never been in my list …but…your presence make me realise that I have lived in this world to be the happiness and the joy…because…you were the surprise I have been waiting for…I love you <3>
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
(Tuesday, October 13, 2009-)
+10:26:00 PM]*
+10:26:00 PM]*
# entered into a different world..again..-
I think I have entered to a whole new different world…again…
It wasn’t the first time I found myself in a new world, I think I have gotten use to it already. Nice things doesn’t last at all. it is always for a short while before changing to the ugly side I have never expect. And whenever it does that, it would always leave me alone to recover from my wounds.
Yeap, things have changed. My friends were gone, my supposedly support were never there, best friend or close friend were not there anymore. Right now? im all alone again, back to square one.
Actually I had already foreseen what is going to happen during the long run but wasn’t expecting it to happen so fast. Very fast indeed..
Yeah no one seem to care a bit what more a friend to chat with? I guess my character has had something to do with it anyway. Was very reluctant to go school nowadays. Have been pondering on what was the matter with my attitude that causes everyone to avoid me or like me or worst, treat me like im their dog. Why? My younger siblings does that, my friends does that. and now? my love ones does that too. yeah, maybe Im really a person who doesn’t deserve respect from anyone…none infact…
It took great pains to give them up, took great pains to forget them all. it hurts to see them changing to hi-bye friends. What has happened to my life? It went so smoothly from the start and…..wait. it have never went smoothly huhh? I guess I was too naïve to even see what was going on…I miss them…come back will you?
U said u will always stay by my side no matter what, but u were never there. never..really..
U left me yesterday when I need you the most. You left me alone crying my guts out. Support, was never there…I held myself up thinking why I was so stupid…so stupid to cling onto you thinking that you will changed. U said that my ideal guy was never you at all. you said that all this time I have been forcing you to changed into my ideal guy. It really hurts me to think that all this time I have been hanging out with a guy who was wasn’t happy at all with his own partner. I didn’t know at all until u told me…
I know that no matter what I say, were never been heard. No matter what I do was never seen. No matter how much hurt I have gone through were never been touched by your heart. I tried so hard to please you, but you were never satisfied at all. no matter how much I explained, you would never listened, because you refused to accept what I’ve said but your own thinking. No matter how much effort I put in were never appreciated. The hard work I put in were never seen. Never once baby…
The things you did to me were so hurting that I have cried for days but you never know. you told me once that you will never make me cry…but I cried so many times because of you…
You never believed the pain I gone through no matter how much I tried to ask you to stop. You make me live in suffering alone. I do not have any friend from the start, all I have was God and you..no more. But when I found one, you were never happy for me because they were guys. When I did found one, you never stop torturing me with all the tauntings u gave… privacy? Were never given to me despite your promise you make to me. they were never there…it was infact the opposite…you grew so different…boyfriend? Are you my baby?i do not know anymore baby…
You make me lose Gary because he care for me…you make me lose Nicky because he hated you…you make me lose Billy because he was there for me rather than you…three…gone just like that…what more do you want? I have never said things like you did today to you..why isit that you can talk to girls while I can’t? why isit that you can lie while I can’t . I merely lie once and you carved it on your heart for months and bore grudges against me…why baby?
Whatever I do to you you would want to take revenge…why baby?why hurt me in this manner? I am your girlfriend aint i? you cursed my friends just because you hated them…you cursed them infront of me. am I just someone who must live alone and own by you? am I right?
Baby, much as I tried to avoid getting hurt, you never stop torturing me… you have your friends but I do not have…you have your own freedom but I do not have…you were happy but I was never once happy…and…you just refused to admit that you were in the fault. No matter how many apologies you gave, were never serious at all…’sorry’ was just a word you use all the time. they were never sincere at all…you got so irritated by me because you find that by saying sorry was enough..am I right?
No matter how much saliva were used, they were never understood by you..much as I tried to help you..much as I tried to communicate with you, you never see the effort put in…I really tried baby…but I still could not get you to understand what Im trying to say….
You shouted at me…you shouted at me to leave…and then you came knocking on my window after you have cooled down…you knocked so hard that you failed to see me crying so hard on the bed..you said stuffs that I could not even hear…but instead of comforting me…you wanted people to hear you out first…what am I in your eyes baby? Am I just someone there to provide love and comfort for you? am I ?
Family, friends or partner..i do not have…family…were just there to discipline, scold…that’s all…food and clothes were provided…care and concern…were never there..never….when I have problems, you guys were never there to hear me out or there to give your support..all you said was a few words of discipline…” I’ve told you so…” , “ you were just so stubborn to hear us out…”and..” I don’t know you all larhh..solve them among yourself…”
tag: What am I suppose to do right now?
I wanted to die…I wanted it to end…but can i? im tired…
It wasn’t the first time I found myself in a new world, I think I have gotten use to it already. Nice things doesn’t last at all. it is always for a short while before changing to the ugly side I have never expect. And whenever it does that, it would always leave me alone to recover from my wounds.
Yeap, things have changed. My friends were gone, my supposedly support were never there, best friend or close friend were not there anymore. Right now? im all alone again, back to square one.
Actually I had already foreseen what is going to happen during the long run but wasn’t expecting it to happen so fast. Very fast indeed..
Yeah no one seem to care a bit what more a friend to chat with? I guess my character has had something to do with it anyway. Was very reluctant to go school nowadays. Have been pondering on what was the matter with my attitude that causes everyone to avoid me or like me or worst, treat me like im their dog. Why? My younger siblings does that, my friends does that. and now? my love ones does that too. yeah, maybe Im really a person who doesn’t deserve respect from anyone…none infact…
It took great pains to give them up, took great pains to forget them all. it hurts to see them changing to hi-bye friends. What has happened to my life? It went so smoothly from the start and…..wait. it have never went smoothly huhh? I guess I was too naïve to even see what was going on…I miss them…come back will you?
U said u will always stay by my side no matter what, but u were never there. never..really..
U left me yesterday when I need you the most. You left me alone crying my guts out. Support, was never there…I held myself up thinking why I was so stupid…so stupid to cling onto you thinking that you will changed. U said that my ideal guy was never you at all. you said that all this time I have been forcing you to changed into my ideal guy. It really hurts me to think that all this time I have been hanging out with a guy who was wasn’t happy at all with his own partner. I didn’t know at all until u told me…
I know that no matter what I say, were never been heard. No matter what I do was never seen. No matter how much hurt I have gone through were never been touched by your heart. I tried so hard to please you, but you were never satisfied at all. no matter how much I explained, you would never listened, because you refused to accept what I’ve said but your own thinking. No matter how much effort I put in were never appreciated. The hard work I put in were never seen. Never once baby…
The things you did to me were so hurting that I have cried for days but you never know. you told me once that you will never make me cry…but I cried so many times because of you…
You never believed the pain I gone through no matter how much I tried to ask you to stop. You make me live in suffering alone. I do not have any friend from the start, all I have was God and you..no more. But when I found one, you were never happy for me because they were guys. When I did found one, you never stop torturing me with all the tauntings u gave… privacy? Were never given to me despite your promise you make to me. they were never there…it was infact the opposite…you grew so different…boyfriend? Are you my baby?i do not know anymore baby…
You make me lose Gary because he care for me…you make me lose Nicky because he hated you…you make me lose Billy because he was there for me rather than you…three…gone just like that…what more do you want? I have never said things like you did today to you..why isit that you can talk to girls while I can’t? why isit that you can lie while I can’t . I merely lie once and you carved it on your heart for months and bore grudges against me…why baby?
Whatever I do to you you would want to take revenge…why baby?why hurt me in this manner? I am your girlfriend aint i? you cursed my friends just because you hated them…you cursed them infront of me. am I just someone who must live alone and own by you? am I right?
Baby, much as I tried to avoid getting hurt, you never stop torturing me… you have your friends but I do not have…you have your own freedom but I do not have…you were happy but I was never once happy…and…you just refused to admit that you were in the fault. No matter how many apologies you gave, were never serious at all…’sorry’ was just a word you use all the time. they were never sincere at all…you got so irritated by me because you find that by saying sorry was enough..am I right?
No matter how much saliva were used, they were never understood by you..much as I tried to help you..much as I tried to communicate with you, you never see the effort put in…I really tried baby…but I still could not get you to understand what Im trying to say….
You shouted at me…you shouted at me to leave…and then you came knocking on my window after you have cooled down…you knocked so hard that you failed to see me crying so hard on the bed..you said stuffs that I could not even hear…but instead of comforting me…you wanted people to hear you out first…what am I in your eyes baby? Am I just someone there to provide love and comfort for you? am I ?
Family, friends or partner..i do not have…family…were just there to discipline, scold…that’s all…food and clothes were provided…care and concern…were never there..never….when I have problems, you guys were never there to hear me out or there to give your support..all you said was a few words of discipline…” I’ve told you so…” , “ you were just so stubborn to hear us out…”and..” I don’t know you all larhh..solve them among yourself…”
tag: What am I suppose to do right now?
I wanted to die…I wanted it to end…but can i? im tired…
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
(Friday, October 9, 2009-)
+9:13:00 PM]*
+9:13:00 PM]*
# once upon a time already-
many things had happened today. and i wasnt in the mood to talk about it too. do not noe how to phrase it though.. hais
let me just say them in bits and parts bahh....
- quarrelled with bro.
- he scold me vulgarites
- challenged me to fight with him
- i was hurt and angry
- i feel like running out
- felt ashamed to be labelled as a lousy sister
- cried in the toilet
- cried again in the room
- and again...
- was feeling useless
- feeling unwanted
- no frens
- not likeable by any bits
FELT
- hurt
- lost
- dejected
- humiliated
- sad
- dissapointed
- so...alone
brother end up in a quarrel with another dog owner outside. called for help. but ended up whole family quarrel with him alone. and i ended up scolding another neighbour who was kay-poing.
i now realise that all of my frens were just hi-bye frens. left me out all the time. felt so cheap and low all of a sudden.
din noe wat was happening to me
wasnt expecting it to happen too
classmates do not like me
felt like they do not like me at all
what am i suppose to do now that u have chosen me to be alone in this world?
tag:wereonceminebutwerewrong
let me just say them in bits and parts bahh....
- quarrelled with bro.
- he scold me vulgarites
- challenged me to fight with him
- i was hurt and angry
- i feel like running out
- felt ashamed to be labelled as a lousy sister
- cried in the toilet
- cried again in the room
- and again...
- was feeling useless
- feeling unwanted
- no frens
- not likeable by any bits
FELT
- hurt
- lost
- dejected
- humiliated
- sad
- dissapointed
- so...alone
brother end up in a quarrel with another dog owner outside. called for help. but ended up whole family quarrel with him alone. and i ended up scolding another neighbour who was kay-poing.
i now realise that all of my frens were just hi-bye frens. left me out all the time. felt so cheap and low all of a sudden.
din noe wat was happening to me
wasnt expecting it to happen too
classmates do not like me
felt like they do not like me at all
what am i suppose to do now that u have chosen me to be alone in this world?
tag:wereonceminebutwerewrong
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
(Thursday, October 8, 2009-)
+8:42:00 PM]*
+8:42:00 PM]*
# am i a person in their eyes?-
Didn’t go sch today..due to some stupid reasons…skip sch for two days.. and this wasn’t what I had in mind during the holidays..
I was so determined to work hard and not skipped schools ever since that day I checked my GPA. 2.6. this wasn’t what I want at all. getting it to 3 .5 + aint easy for me when both my math and sciences aint strong. All I can do for the time being was just to rely solely on myself and also on how I perform in class..
Today, we patched again..i have never want to leave you. but looking at the rate we are going, I am not as confident as before anymore. I have to lead and have to rely on myself to take care of problems and worst, I have to solve them myself… has this got to do with the age? Has this problem got to do with the way we think due to age? I really dunnoe.
I noe that if I were to say this outloud in front of you, you will be very much hurt by my words. I am really scared that we may not last that long. Due to the fact that you were very unhappy with me…
I really hope that u had meant every single word u said to me this afternoon. U said that u will use your actions to prove to me that everything will go back as per normal. Will we? Will we be the same again? how about the problems? You told me that you will try to solve them. But you also said that by solving them, we will have to say them all out. However the PROBLEM with you is, you have NEVER thought of telling me anything at all. you said that it will upset the both of us and will quarrel. But If you do not say them, what am I suppose to do then? Am I suppose to keep guessing and then end it with quarrels? I dunnoe. Really.
Had dinner at home. but something happen again. hais. When being told that dinner was ready,Jeremy sprang up and went off to get his own plate and utensils. I was very upset with that. aint that a selfish thing to do? so I told him off by asking him why hadn’t he take our plates too?
He: 我 这么知道你们也要吃？
He then drop his plate hardly on the dining table. I was already very upset with his disresectfyl behaviour. All becos of that incident on Monday. he wasn’t very happy with me till now. im am his sis and yet, I have to get all these treatments from them both. What can I do but to keep quiet since no one was on my side?
After that, he then went to get the other utensils. I was abit happy that he had atleast listen to me. but when I got to the table, I realise that he had only take two sets of utensils. He left out mine.
I really dunnoe wat to say. I feel like crying and yet..i carn. So I went of to took mine quietly. i didn’t want to sit at the same table with him, so I went to the coffee table instead. Went he was done with his own dinner, he then came over to the coffee table and sat down. I was abit scared at what he might do next to show that he was angry with me. and I was right. He placed his legs on the table, infront of my bowl. I carn say anything but to continue eating…
I dunnoe what kind of sis am i..a sister that can be so afraid of her own younger siblings. A sister who daren’t say a thing infront of them. A sister who dare not even scold them lest there get angry with her.
tag: Can I still be myself ?
I was so determined to work hard and not skipped schools ever since that day I checked my GPA. 2.6. this wasn’t what I want at all. getting it to 3 .5 + aint easy for me when both my math and sciences aint strong. All I can do for the time being was just to rely solely on myself and also on how I perform in class..
Today, we patched again..i have never want to leave you. but looking at the rate we are going, I am not as confident as before anymore. I have to lead and have to rely on myself to take care of problems and worst, I have to solve them myself… has this got to do with the age? Has this problem got to do with the way we think due to age? I really dunnoe.
I noe that if I were to say this outloud in front of you, you will be very much hurt by my words. I am really scared that we may not last that long. Due to the fact that you were very unhappy with me…
I really hope that u had meant every single word u said to me this afternoon. U said that u will use your actions to prove to me that everything will go back as per normal. Will we? Will we be the same again? how about the problems? You told me that you will try to solve them. But you also said that by solving them, we will have to say them all out. However the PROBLEM with you is, you have NEVER thought of telling me anything at all. you said that it will upset the both of us and will quarrel. But If you do not say them, what am I suppose to do then? Am I suppose to keep guessing and then end it with quarrels? I dunnoe. Really.
Had dinner at home. but something happen again. hais. When being told that dinner was ready,Jeremy sprang up and went off to get his own plate and utensils. I was very upset with that. aint that a selfish thing to do? so I told him off by asking him why hadn’t he take our plates too?
He: 我 这么知道你们也要吃？
He then drop his plate hardly on the dining table. I was already very upset with his disresectfyl behaviour. All becos of that incident on Monday. he wasn’t very happy with me till now. im am his sis and yet, I have to get all these treatments from them both. What can I do but to keep quiet since no one was on my side?
After that, he then went to get the other utensils. I was abit happy that he had atleast listen to me. but when I got to the table, I realise that he had only take two sets of utensils. He left out mine.
I really dunnoe wat to say. I feel like crying and yet..i carn. So I went of to took mine quietly. i didn’t want to sit at the same table with him, so I went to the coffee table instead. Went he was done with his own dinner, he then came over to the coffee table and sat down. I was abit scared at what he might do next to show that he was angry with me. and I was right. He placed his legs on the table, infront of my bowl. I carn say anything but to continue eating…
I dunnoe what kind of sis am i..a sister that can be so afraid of her own younger siblings. A sister who daren’t say a thing infront of them. A sister who dare not even scold them lest there get angry with her.
tag: Can I still be myself ?
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
(Wednesday, October 7, 2009-)
+2:38:00 PM]*
+2:38:00 PM]*
# wat am i suppose to do?-
i dun think i can take it anymore.all this time...there were nothing...i din noe that i was living in the world of fantasy. all the words and promises, were actually nothing. this past six months, i was being dump by all the things he told me.
LOVE:
wat does love really means? what does love do to u? do they make you do things that u have never thought of doing it? does love change u into a nother person? perhaps a nicer person?
or..someone u do not even noe who u were anymore?
love, is just like my long lost dream that i had once upon a time. i have always thought that love was something that can make me happy. my dreamer, where i can always remeber them without closing my eyes. my shelter, where i can always hide in. my peace and comfort, where i can rely on no matter what happens... and...my colourful world....where i will always smile and forget all the trouble i have..
but atlast, the love that im having now, was nothing like that. all this time...i have been trying to fulfill my type of 'love'...all this time. i have been doing things that i had always wanted. i provide shelter, i provide comfort and peace and...i tried making a colourful world for him...all this time..i have been living by myself. and...im tired...
really really very tired. all i wanted to do was go somewhere quiet..where there is nothing but blue skies and greeneries..which allows myself to stare at nothing but the clear blue skies...and think of all the things i have never dared to think of at home..becos...when it happens, there will be tears running down..and...all i wanted to do was throw all my overloaded bags down...thrown them to somewhere far far away...thats all i ever wanted to do...with no one..but myself..thats what i wanted to do...
i feel like resting...resting forever...thinking of nothing but clear blue skies..
all this time..i was alone..my precious time, love and money...were all been given...to someone i thought 'my partner'...i was being very naive...words...and words..were given to me..but there were no action...i am really very naive....really...tired...
he have nothing to say...and so..i gave up...becos...loving a person who does not really care..is really very tiring...
im waiting for him to say good bye...becos..this was what he have been doing too...he was waiting too.....
this time..i carn pick myself up anymore...no one...there..
tag:umakemefalldownwithtears
LOVE:
wat does love really means? what does love do to u? do they make you do things that u have never thought of doing it? does love change u into a nother person? perhaps a nicer person?
or..someone u do not even noe who u were anymore?
love, is just like my long lost dream that i had once upon a time. i have always thought that love was something that can make me happy. my dreamer, where i can always remeber them without closing my eyes. my shelter, where i can always hide in. my peace and comfort, where i can rely on no matter what happens... and...my colourful world....where i will always smile and forget all the trouble i have..
but atlast, the love that im having now, was nothing like that. all this time...i have been trying to fulfill my type of 'love'...all this time. i have been doing things that i had always wanted. i provide shelter, i provide comfort and peace and...i tried making a colourful world for him...all this time..i have been living by myself. and...im tired...
really really very tired. all i wanted to do was go somewhere quiet..where there is nothing but blue skies and greeneries..which allows myself to stare at nothing but the clear blue skies...and think of all the things i have never dared to think of at home..becos...when it happens, there will be tears running down..and...all i wanted to do was throw all my overloaded bags down...thrown them to somewhere far far away...thats all i ever wanted to do...with no one..but myself..thats what i wanted to do...
i feel like resting...resting forever...thinking of nothing but clear blue skies..
all this time..i was alone..my precious time, love and money...were all been given...to someone i thought 'my partner'...i was being very naive...words...and words..were given to me..but there were no action...i am really very naive....really...tired...
he have nothing to say...and so..i gave up...becos...loving a person who does not really care..is really very tiring...
im waiting for him to say good bye...becos..this was what he have been doing too...he was waiting too.....
this time..i carn pick myself up anymore...no one...there..
tag:umakemefalldownwithtears
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
(Tuesday, October 6, 2009-)
+11:35:00 PM]*
+11:35:00 PM]*
# worn out-
i dun think i can communicate wit u any longer
i have tried...i really have tried..im really exhausted...
exhausted from making the first move all the time...worn out from acting as a boyfren to u..
we quarrelled...i said loads of stuffss..all frm the bottom of my heart.and u say nothing much..but jus sorry. and ask me to be happy.i dk.i dk wat kind of love u are giving me.i dk wat kind of relationship is this.all this time..i was the one pulling..but instead of helping me.u just kept pushing it...making me worn out from all the things i had done for u.making me so tired that i do not know what is a boyfren anymore
all this time..i have been waiting for u to tell me atleast soemthing.of hw u feel.what are ur reason for treating me like that. but no.nothing. u just ask me to drink more water.
my frens says that to me too..what are the diff between u and them? nth.
u were nv there to give me support when i needed one..never.all of ur words..are nothing..just words...really..jus words...words and words..i get words from u all the time..no more.
i dk hw to describe this feeling rite now...now i noe..that loving a person can be so painful and tiring. and now..i dunnoe wats love anymore..i dun wish to do things anymore..i jus wan to cry
im worn out..i dun wish to walk anymore.my support...was nv there..
tag:mylovewasnvreturned
i have tried...i really have tried..im really exhausted...
exhausted from making the first move all the time...worn out from acting as a boyfren to u..
we quarrelled...i said loads of stuffss..all frm the bottom of my heart.and u say nothing much..but jus sorry. and ask me to be happy.i dk.i dk wat kind of love u are giving me.i dk wat kind of relationship is this.all this time..i was the one pulling..but instead of helping me.u just kept pushing it...making me worn out from all the things i had done for u.making me so tired that i do not know what is a boyfren anymore
all this time..i have been waiting for u to tell me atleast soemthing.of hw u feel.what are ur reason for treating me like that. but no.nothing. u just ask me to drink more water.
my frens says that to me too..what are the diff between u and them? nth.
u were nv there to give me support when i needed one..never.all of ur words..are nothing..just words...really..jus words...words and words..i get words from u all the time..no more.
i dk hw to describe this feeling rite now...now i noe..that loving a person can be so painful and tiring. and now..i dunnoe wats love anymore..i dun wish to do things anymore..i jus wan to cry
im worn out..i dun wish to walk anymore.my support...was nv there..
tag:mylovewasnvreturned
the story ends like this;
________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________
(Friday, October 2, 2009-)
+8:43:00 PM]*
+8:43:00 PM]*
# where is the love?-
Missing him right now…this morning quarrelled again…damn irritating..didnt mean to get angry…I was just getting annoyed with your ear…gee
Sem 2 is starting already and I doubt that we will have time for each other, especially when the both of us are busy preparing our exams..but its alright yahh? I just hope that the both of us will not get frustrated at each other…
If ‘controlling’ is what u thought that can bring peace into our relationship, u are wrong…I didn’t want you to tolerate or keep those unhappy moments inside your heart…I dun want to see you pouring out ur troubles to other people instead of telling me what I should know…
BUT
I noe that it is very hard for you to tell me all your unhappiness as u are afraid of upsetting me and then breaking it into quarrels…..i just wish that you will start growing up in God’s way…
I really wonder how my new class will turn out…sigh…really dread meeting them…
Tag:wordswithmorewords?♥
Sem 2 is starting already and I doubt that we will have time for each other, especially when the both of us are busy preparing our exams..but its alright yahh? I just hope that the both of us will not get frustrated at each other…
If ‘controlling’ is what u thought that can bring peace into our relationship, u are wrong…I didn’t want you to tolerate or keep those unhappy moments inside your heart…I dun want to see you pouring out ur troubles to other people instead of telling me what I should know…
BUT
I noe that it is very hard for you to tell me all your unhappiness as u are afraid of upsetting me and then breaking it into quarrels…..i just wish that you will start growing up in God’s way…
I really wonder how my new class will turn out…sigh…really dread meeting them…
Tag:wordswithmorewords?♥
the story ends like this;
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